Beginnings

The seeds for “Reclamation” were planted before I even knew what they were for, what shape they would take, what change they would make. I would say that these seeds began their planting process during my childhood, growing up in this girl body in a patriarchal, capitalist society. When this girl body was no longer a girl body, but was becoming a young woman body, the seeds multiplied. The seeds became so heavy that they crushed me. My sophomore year of college would be when these seeds really found their grounding, chose their plot of land, and took root. In my sophomore year of college, I developed an eating disorder that almost took me away from dance, from school, from life. Deep struggles with body image dysmorphia and body shame culminated into a year- and-a-half-long battle with this disorder. A large part of my recovery process involved a thorough analysis of what my relationship to my body was and why it was this way. This forced me to map the story of my body, to be honest with myself about my feelings surrounding my body and its right to take up space in the world, to go back through each of my histories and recognize where the problem started and why it got so bad. This process contained multitudes of stories, memories, and anecdotes. Why did it always go back to a single story, a single word, a single moment? What was their significance in my healing? What power do they hold?

​

Body shame, trauma, and apology have always been consistent narratives not only in my family, but in the communities of people that I have been a part of for as long as I can remember. From the media, from my grandmother, from dance peers and instructors, I learned that this woman body was one that I was due to apologize for. I learned, through subtle remarks and concerned questions, that being small was the only way to be, and that anything else was defiant, ugly, shameful. I learned that small not only meant physically, but it was also defined by how much space I take up with my voice, my ideas, my questions; it was about shrinking myself in all capacities. I started to realize that this narrative of apology was not a singular experience; it was happening all around me. It happened to my mother, which happened to her mother, which happened to her mother; I started to realize that there were generational curses that needed breaking.

This apology I was exhibiting through my body, my voice, my being was happening to my friends as well; it was everywhere. And no one was talking about it. When thinking about what I wanted my Honors Thesis to be about, it became clear to me that I wanted to tell the stories that were never given space to be told: stories of moving through the world as a woman who is taught, from the time she can remember, to apologize for her existence. It became clear to me that women needed to be in space together to process what we had been going through, what our mothers and grandmothers and ancestors had been going through, together. It became clear to me that it was time for me to dig into the why – why do women apologize? From here, I got more specific:

​

When did it become the social narrative of women to constantly be in a state of apology, and how does it affect how we view, treat, and navigate our bodies in space?

​

I then started to think about dance, about this thing that I have loved since I was young that makes me feel so free and so strong. I started to think about how, at one point, dance became my weapon of choice in furthering the body shame and behaviors aligned with my eating disorder. I started to think about how dance has ebbed and flowed with my ever-changing needs, and I started to think about how dance could be the tool, the key. I asked myself:

​

How can dance and movement be the mechanism by which we practice removing apology, celebrating the body, and channeling agency in the daily, communal, and generational narrative of women?

​

I then started to think about community. Being raised in the Phoenix hip hop community, I learned from a young age about how vital community is for support and growth. I started to think about how all of us women were experiencing similar things and telling similar stories, and I started to think about how little of us had actually ever shared them. I started to think about how these journeys were both individual and shared, which led me to ask:

​

What does it mean and look like to individually and collectively reach a state of liberation, of freedom, of joy?

​

Once the questions came to a point of clarity, purpose was the next seed to plant. Why am I doing this research, and why now? I am doing this to heal and empower myself, my collaborators and dancers, and my community, to create an atmosphere of love and a safe space for expression, exploration, and processing, to take back control and agency of our bodies as women and discover how we can move through our lives in a completely unapologetic way. One of the most important goals for “Reclamation” is to tell my own story about my relationship to my body, to apology, to liberation and to give space for others to do the same. I want to create a platform for stories and voices to be told, listened to, and honored that are not always given time, attention, or value in artistic and academic spaces. I want to inspire a young girl or young woman in the audience to remove apology from her lips, to love and celebrate her body, and to dance to find joy, community, and freedom. I want to challenge the patriarchy, challenge men attempting to control the bodies of women and the agency and expression of those bodies, challenge sexism, racism, homophobia, ableism, and the other systems that keep certain individuals or groups of people down, challenge my own body dysmorphia and negative body image, and challenge what is considered 'art' in the institution, what art and forms of expression are given space and value in the academic and communal space, what subject materials and form of presentations are considered 'intellectual' enough to be an Honors Thesis/Creative Project.

​

I want to remind people of the value of dance and movement in organizing, in breaking generational curses, in being an important part of the social justice conversation on a personal, communal, and global scale. There are huge rates of body dysmorphia in the dance field: “The lifetime prevalence of BDD and ED among elite professional female ballet dancers was higher than the general population. High standards of beauty, public body exposure, and repeated exposure to mirrors in the rehearsal rooms may contribute to the development of body image disorders in this sample” (Nascimiento, Antonio Leandro, et al). While body dysmorphia is a known problem among dancers, there is never a conversation about how dance can be a positive tool and mechanism by which this body dysmorphia is challenged and bodies are reclaimed for the beautiful space they take up. I am putting hip hop and street styles in a broader context, giving space to community artists that do not always get access to the resources offered by institutions, and giving space to stories and experiences that do not always have the platform to be told. I am doing this work because it is the work that I love and the work that needs to be done.

​

To begin watering the seeds, I brought a group of women together and we danced. I have always been a firm believer that the most powerful research is contained within our bodies. Conversations, movement sessions, and journaling surrounding shame, trauma, and apology allowed us to recognize the apology, analyze it, and challenge it. A collaborative process occurred where we built movement together from pieces of our individual and collective stories. We began to explore how dance could be an exercise on how to challenge the narrative of apology and be our fullest, most unapologetic selves. We held space for one another, and many told their stories for the first time. The performative, cumulative product of this process manifested in a community-centered performance containing dance, spoken word, and storytelling. We engaged the audience, we cyphered, and we told our truths. The time we had together and the movement research was the water and the sunshine that the seeds needed to grow. “Reclamation” – this process, these people, this work – grew into a tree of freedom, power, and love that we are constantly coming back to in our journeys towards our most unapologetic selves.

​

“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.”

- Nayyirah Waheed

​